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Arusi Network, Inc. |
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“We give the most powerful, transforming, miracle-making love when the beloved is least deserving. It is then that our love reflects the love of God given in the sacrifice of the cross. Our ‘Easter’ is of God’s shaping us into who we need to be.” Andrew & Terri Lyke |
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Bringing hope to the community for Black marriage and family life . . . |
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Ss. Monica & Luke Church
My brothers and sisters in Christ, this feast is all about family. Everything we do should be about family. John Paul II defined the family as “the first and vital cell of society.” (Familiaris Consortio, 42) The family is the first cell of society, which includes all of its institutions, its marketplaces, its governments, its schools, its courts of justice, and especially its religious institutions. They all should be about supporting and protecting families. As the first cell in society, the family is our first school of relationships. It is in the family where we learn how to relate to others. When we work with couples preparing for marriage we always tell them to “pay close attention how your fiancé relates to his or her family. If he can’t forgive his brother for an old grievance, what makes you think he’ll do that for you? If she won’t be sympathetic to the plight of her sister, why do you think she’ll be a sympathetic wife to you?” It is in the family where we learn social skills. It is in the family where our social personalities are formed. It is also in the family where we first and most profoundly encounter God. As leaders of families we are readily told by the institutional church that we are the primary catechists for our children. But, there is huge gap between what we are told and what is practiced. Parents are told essentially, “You are the primary religious educators of your children. But you can just drop them off here on Tuesdays or Wednesdays and we’ll take care of it for you.” Why aren’t more efforts put into helping parents live out that role as the primary catechists? Here’s a radical thought: Instead of our parishes providing religious education for children (for whom a high percentage of them return to households where faith isn’t practiced) why not provide religious education to leaders of families that will assist them in their role as primary religious educators of their children? The Catholic Church is a tremendous resource for marriage education. Other denominations follow our example for providing marriage preparation for those who are engaged to be married. But, here lies a problem. Marriage is on the decline in our country. But the negative trend is most pronounced among African Americans. Of all ethnic groups, African Americans today have the lowest marriage rate. Between 1950 and 2000 the percentage of African American women who are married declined from 62% to 36.1%. Among white women, the corresponding decline was from 66% to only 57.4%. While African Americans have the lowest marriage rate, they also have the highest divorce rate. In 1960, 70 percent of African American children were born into families headed by their married biological parents. By the year 2000 that measurement had spiraled down to less than 30 percent. It’s been said anecdotally that a Black child born in slavery in America had a better chance of being born into a family headed by a marriage than one born today. Essentially, the institution of marriage in the African American community is broken. Now here the rub: the Catholic Church with its tremendous resources for marriage education doesn’t make those resources available to those who are not married or engaged to be married. Across the United States there are diocesan offices for Family Life that generally don’t reach out to any particular ethnic group. Well, actually they do. But, they don’t see White as an ethnic group. It’s generic in their eyes. And there are only rare instances when diocesan offices for Black Catholics provide outreach to families, and even more rare when the outreach is regarding marriage. And parishes serving African Americans are the least likely to have any outreach to marriage. So, at this time when African American families are most under siege, the Church with its tremendous resources is systemically absent in its outreach. No one is minding the store. So, what can we do? We need to look at the family differently. We need to look at marriage differently. We need a new paradigm that will help the institutional Church rescue the institutional African American Family. In the new paradigm the Church’s teaching that the family is the first and vital cell of society is foundational. The Domestic Church is primary. Faith practices in the home are central to catechesis. Adult faith formation that empowers leaders of families to be the primary religious educators of their children is a part of this. Curricula for such adult education should center on family stories that have been (or should have been) handed down through the generations – stories that reveal God’s Story through Salvation History. Family stories tell us who we are and whose we are. They also inform us on how we are to live as family and community. Connecting those family stories to God and relating them to present life form and affirm our identities as Christians and equip us to tell those stories with passion to our children. Our children can’t know who they are if we don’t know who we are. The Church in the new paradigm would provide relationship skills training for couples regardless of their marital status. Though having relationship skills won’t screen us from the challenges of family life, it will empower us to meet those challenges head on. An obstacle to doing this is the pervasive sense of scandal due to sexual practices and cohabitation outside of marriage, which are prevalent in today’s family life. The new paradigm would have all of us seeing marriage in a different way. We would recognize that healthy marriages strengthen families; strong families form better communities; good communities form a peaceful world where justice reigns. No couple is good enough, strong enough, or smart enough to do this alone. Married couples would have more realistic expectations of their union and know that forgiveness needs to come in large doses. They would step out of the shadow of shame that theirs isn’t a perfect marriage. None are! Their role modeling to the community would be less about their fulfillment in married life and more about their commitment – commitment that comes through periods of disillusionment. In the new paradigm, marriage has a stake-holding community to protect it, encourage it, and sustain it. The stake-holding community, including all its institutions, values marriage as its own interest. Whether one is married or single, a vowed celibate, or whatever state in life, healthy marriage in their midst is an asset. The new paradigm sees families differently. Last Sunday we celebrated the Feast of the Holy Family. When we think of the holy family it’s specifically Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that come to mind. We need to ask ourselves, “Why are they holy?” Is it because they have powers and abilities far beyond us, the un-holy? If we think of holiness as something beyond us, we are mistaken. If we think that the holy family is holy because they have something we don’t have, we undermine the very purpose of God becoming human through the womb of a woman and being born not of nobility, not into a wealthy family, not into a highly educated family, not into an influential family – but an ordinary family very much like the families around us. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph were holy for the same reason your family is holy – God is with them. God is with us in our families. One of the first things I learned in my training as a family minister is that all families are holy. ALL FAMILIES ARE HOLY! And there is nothing they need to do to become holy. There is nothing we (the Church) can do to make them more holy. The new paradigm would put this into practice. The efforts of the Church would not be to make families holy but to help families see that they are already holy, even when they are a holy mess! In the messiness of ordinary family life, God is revealed in the relationships between men and women, siblings, parents and children, in-laws and “out-laws.” It’s not always pretty. it’s not necessarily neat and orderly. Even in the midst of dysfunction the miracle of Creation happens over and over again in family life. If you look closely at any family you will find God’s fingerprints. The Paschal Mystery is evident. For you see, our God who is present in families isn’t just God who sits in Glory on the throne of Heaven. That’s much too neat! Also present and evident is our God who became human through a scandalous situation. What happened to Mary was, I’m sure, the subject of much gossip. I wonder how much support Joseph got from his “homies” to raise this child as his own. Sometimes the God revealed in family life is our God who suffered for undeserving people, unappreciative people. There’s an old joke about the three rings of marriage, i.e., the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then comes the “suffer-ring.” There is indeed suffering in marriage and family life. Spouses suffer each other by making room for each other’s issues. Letting go of the marriage of our dreams, and the children of our dreams, so that we may make room for and love the marriage and children of our reality can be like carrying a cross. However, our faith tells us that the cross is not the end of the story. Our family stories , when connected to the Story of God, remain promising through the cross as it shapes us into who we need to be. That shaping is by God. The new paradigm doesn’t confuse holiness for neatness. It finds holiness in the ordinary circumstances of family life, in all the chaos, in all the mess, in all the scandalous-ness, in all the tragedies of life. A powerful story from my own family happened some 18 years ago. My younger brother, Aaron, and beloved uncle, Jim, who was at that time the Archbishop of Atlanta , were both dying. Aaron was dying from AIDS, Jim from cancer. I was so distracted from anxiety and fear over their impending deaths that I found it difficult to focus on my work and family life. During my last visit with Jim in Atlanta in August of 1992, I shared with him how burdening his and Aaron’s illnesses were for me. He was my mentor and confessor, and had been very much a spiritual director to me. So, the topic of conversation wasn’t quite as odd as it may sound. Nonetheless, Jim peered sternly at me above his glasses and told me, “I’m counting on you to pray for me. All I hear you doing is worrying. You can’t worry and pray at the same time. Do one or the other.” In the ensuing months as Aaron and Jim’s conditions worsened, I found myself often caught up in worrying. But, each time I found myself in worry I heard Jim’s voice inviting me to be in prayer; and I did. Jim died on the Feast of the Holy Family in 1992. Aaron died one week later on January 3, 1993. This was perhaps the darkest time in my life. But it was also a most blessed time, as I had never before journeyed so closely with God. “Where, O Death, is your victory? Where, O Death, is your Sting?” (1 Corinthians 15:55) It was from this tragedy that arose in me clarity of purpose and calling to serve the people of God. We all want ease in our lives. Right? When a man and woman fall in love and choose to make permanent their relationship, is it not with the hope that it will be easy? Married people, long before you met your spouse and you could only dream about that person who would come along and steal your heart away, how many of you were dreaming about someone who would give you a hard time and get on your last nerve. And parents, how many of you planned to have children with issues? Our hopes and dreams are for the “for better” aspect of our vows. But, faith gives us strength to get through the “for worse” aspect. In family life, we hope for neatness and we get messiness. Nevertheless, love that is easy is cheap. Matthew 5:46 and Luke 6:32 tell us that if you love only those who love you, what credit is that to you. Anybody can love someone who loves you and is easy to love. My wife, Terri, is an amazing woman. She has an artistic eye that creates a living environment for us that we enjoy. She is my best friend and a reliable companion. Through the years, she has elevated my palate with delectable cuisine. She has a sparkling personality that draws people to her. She has a sense of humor that keeps me laughing. Her physical beauty, even after 35 years of marriage, still quickens my heart. She knows how to touch me in the right places at the right time. And I love her very much. But, what credit is that to me. Anybody can love all that! There is another side to this coin. I’ll spare you the details. But, let me say just this: There are those times when her most appropriate mode of transportation is a broom. There is no one on this earth who can tick me off more than she can. She can be stubborn . . . well, let me just leave it at that. But, you see, it is at those times when my loving her matters most and is most powerful. It is at those times when miracles happen in our life. It is at those time when God shapes me into who I need to be – not necessarily who I want to be. And that shaping can sometimes be painful. But it is of God and by God’s design. In marriage and family we wear the Crown and carry the Cross. That’s how we’re holy. The most important message I can give you today is this: Your family is holy. If only you would believe it! You might have a crack-head son or daughter. You might have a lying spouse. You might be poor and can’t pay your bills. You might have dilapidated housing. Your family life might be a real mess. Nevertheless, God is with you in your family setting. God is calling you to love that family member, even when it’s hard as hell to love them. God is calling us all to love through the Cross so that we may wear the Crown. If only you would believe it! Your family is holy! Even if your kids act like Bay-Bay’s kids. Even though they don’t appreciate all that you have done for them, all that you have sacrificed for them. Your family is holy! If only the Church would believe it! I remember when as a child I was taught that there are good ways to live, and then there are better ways. If I want a good life, get married, have children, and be faithful. But, if I wanted to be holy there was a better way. The priesthood and religious life have been lifted up as better paths to holiness. The new paradigm would correct that stinking thinking. The new paradigm lifts up marriage as a good for all of us, regardless of your state in life. The new paradigm sees families as holy and worthy, regardless of their irregular situations. The new paradigm helps families to see their holiness, to know it, and to believe it. That’s the emerging Church that will come to the aid of families. Not only will we have stronger families well form in their faith, we will have more people pursuing lives of holiness through family life, and consecrated life in the Church. So, my brothers and sisters in Christ, on this day of feasting, at this karamu, let us commit to loving our families the way God loves us. Let us honor our families as Holy in this new year. Oh, if only we would believe it! If only we would really believe it! Our families are holy! Our families are holy, even if they are a holy mess! Amen! Andrew Lyke, SFO
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The text below is from a presentation by Andrew Lyke at Ss. Monica & Luke Church in Gary, Indiana on January 2, 2011. The
presentation was the keynote at the parish Karamu (Feast) for Kwanzaa. |
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